Recently I woke up before daylight and found my thoughts spinning down into a vortex of darkness. My failures paraded by like gaudy circus performers mocking my futility. All I could do that morning was stare in the face of my selfishness and missed opportunities. I feared, “My whole identity as a Christian is a joke. Christians love and love their enemies. I can’t even show love to my own flesh and blood in any consistent way.” I was also recoiling from disappointment on so many levels and I began to doubt God. I wanted to repent. I tried to confess to God that I was not only ashamed of myself but doubting my standing in him as well (doubting him, really). But my thoughts spiraled down some more to the point of asking myself, “Who am I talking to? Am I crazy? Are we all completely crazy?!!?”
In the face of these thoughts in front of God, I asked him for some sign–some reassurance that I’m not worthless and that he is real and worthy of praise. I confessed that I’m a total idiot for even asking because I know the answers, but my thoughts were so murky. I just felt lost.
As I figured that the looming day would suck, I turned to my phone to see what time it was. There, on my phone, before the sun had risen, was an out-of-the-blue text from a dear woman in the church body. It simply said, “Praying…When I am afraid, I will trust in You, O God. Psalm 56:3.”
Tears, lots of tears, just began to flow. As I’m thanking God for this ‘sign,’ a neon sign came through in the form of another text to follow that one. It said, “When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. Isaiah 43:2.” Even in my most unfaithful moments, God is so faithful. He’s so loving and kind. And I thank God for the people who listen to him, who allow him to use them, to send messages to us when we are hurting. I love you LORD.
~Bethany